Today I finished a show from Apple TV+ called Dark Matter, based on a book by Blake Crouch, and I really enjoyed it. At first I didn’t like it much because I thought the timing was off: the first couple of episodes felt too long, like they were extended beyond the main conclusion, it was a bit slow because the show took too long to reach each plot point, and the plot seemed a bit predictable. However, after that first couple of episodes, once the main themes had been introduced, I was fully hooked.
I don’t really want to go much into the TV show because (1) I don’t want to spoil it and (2) what I actually want to talk about is the themes of the show. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about decisions, and my favourite thing about this show is how it has presented that theme and explored it, which has inspired me to write about my thoughts, feelings and specially why it is so relevant to me.
I’ve always had a really hard time taking decisions. So much so that it is a bit of a running joke with anyone who has known me for a while, specially family and close friends. The reason is FOMO – fear of missing out. Whenever I try to make a decision I can’t help but wonder what I’m missing out on, and think about the things I liked about the other options. This freezes me, often leading me to wait until the last second before I can make a choice, or even until it’s too late and the choice is made for me.
It has been an issue I’ve had since I was a kid, and I think I’ve made a lot of progress recently because I’ve been learning a lot about what decisions actually are, and there is still a lot of work for me to do. One of the breakthroughs that has helped me recently is the idea that everything is a trade off, and Dark Matter has illustrated this beautifully with the concept of the multiverse. It’s not the first time I see this – precisely, EEAAO is one of my favourite movies because of how it uses the multiverse to express a similar message (among other things). However, Dark Matter also makes a great job exploring the topic and it really nails down the message for me, at a time where I’m still learning it.
One could say the multiverse takes away your responsibility from your choices, but I don’t believe that is true, or at least it’s not all there is. I can’t deny that the idea of the multiverse definitely makes me feel less anxiety and pressure from my decisions, and I can see how that could be seen as having less responsibility. After all, if you believe that somewhere there is a version of you for every option, you could believe that your decisions don’t matter or matter less, because you are just carrying out your role as one of the versions of you that goes through a certain path.
However, even if that’s true, at the end of the day it’s you who has to live with the results of your choices, and regardless of whether there are other versions of you, you will never get to see or experience the results of their choices. Therefore, you still need to go through the process of making a decision, and making sure that, whatever you decide, it is what you want.
If that’s the case, then why is the multiverse so enticing when it comes to decisions? Why is it such a good representation? I think it’s because it is the direct answer to the question at the core of FOMO: what if?
It’s not that the pressure from my choices is relieved because of less responsibility, the pressure is released because it eliminates the idea that there are any right or wrong options. If you actually go through with answering the question “what if?”, you find the truth about reality and life as we know it: there is no perfect option, all options offer you something and require giving something else up. The life where you chose to focus on your career was more successful career-wise, and more lonely. The life where you chose to focus on having a family was fulfilling and full of love, and you earned less money. Neither of those options is necessarily better than the other one. Which of them sounds better to you depends on your own personal priorities, but both have benefits and sacrifices.
The multiverse allows us to feel this in our bones. We get to check if the grass is green on the other side, and internalise that there are also patches, just like in our own garden, and at the end of the day we choose which one we prefer based on our preferences, not an objective ideal of right and wrong. This is a direct consequence of yes-and as integration, of the fact that everything is “infinite” in a way, allowing for infinite meanings and interpretations. Reality is large enough for seemingly opposite beliefs to be true at the same time, which means that there will always be a frame in which you’re missing out, and another one in which you’re winning. Which one you choose is exactly what it takes to make a decision.
For me, realising that I can always be unhappy or happy with any decisions I make, that it’s inevitable to feel like I’m missing out, has made it much easier to face my own FOMO. To decide is ‘to cut’, by definition, so no decision will be perfect, I will always be sad about giving something up, and that’s okay. I used to believe that if I just thought hard enough I would be able to make the perfect choice, or that being more decisive meant knowing faster which option was the right one for me. Since I realised this, I’ve been making a lot of progress by instead focusing on accepting that I’ll feel sad about giving something up, and going all in on the benefits of my choice to make sure it was worth it.