Today has been a tough day because I have spent most of it grappling with a big decision about whether I should leave my current job for another or not. Recently I’m learning that everything is a trade off, and that is why decisions are hard. Making these trade offs requires being clear about what you want, knowing how much you want one thing relative to the other things you want, and what sacrifices you’re willing to make.
I have spent most of the day focused on this, on the sacrifices. I can’t help but think again and again about all the things I will miss out on with each choice, even if I didn’t make the most of them while I had them. This FOMO has caused me a lot of anxiety, and in general it’s what freezes me and gets me stuck. I could write a whole book about this, and I probably will – as I said lately I think a lot about it, and I already have a couple of essays in mind about it.
However, I wanted to write now because I have just tried something different. I’ve forgotten about the decision, the options, and just tried too think about what I want. Revolutionary, I know, but as obvious as it seems, it’s something easy to forget, at least for me. As I said, an important part of knowing which sacrifices to make is being clear about what you want.
I’ve also been thinking for some time that I already know what I want, I have a feeling of what it is, but I didn’t know how to put it into words. I’m still not sure, but making a mind map now has given me some feeling clarity. There is still some ineffability to it, I still feel like I’m missing something. But to some extent, I’ve been able to look at the piece of paper in front of me and think “ah, that’s it”.
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The diagram is still very vague, but I’m surprised by even though it looks vague and limited it triggers some calmness in me, some security in knowing what I’m looking for – even if I’m not sure what some of the terms in it mean. I think I’d like to write about them in the future, to clarify them and make them more concrete, and maybe I’ll make that into separate posts, but that’s not what this post is about.
This post is just a personal reminder to think about what you want, even if it’s in general and vague terms. Turns out, even the broadest of brushstrokes can help give you some clarity and remind you why you’re making this decision.