how to say you're sorry

aka the difference between guilt and accountability

an effective apology needs to come from a place of responsibility not guilt

guilt is used to maintain the status quo and avoid change

responsibility and accountability encourage change

let yourself empathise with the other person

this is very scary and very hard to do, so how to start?

start by talking about what you’re feeling and thinking

this is also scary (but less) because you will confront the conflict of POV itself, and it might lead into a fight

but it’s a necessary step for catharsis and synthesis — you can’t skip straight to the synthesis without entering the conflict, without having contact with your own ideas or the others’

that’s the goal: synthesis. to reach the other side of conflict where both people are on the same page, a page that honours all their feelings.

you can only reach this by integrating the other persons feelings into your own — that’s what taking responsibility entails. fully understanding the consequences of your actions, feeling them yourself,… (?)

honestly i’m not very sure about what responsibility is, just that it is the opposite of guilt

in guilt you victimise yourself by becoming the punisher and the punished, and therefore avoid change - Amy Schumer Offers You A Look Into Your Soul

so responsibility is what happens when you don’t escape neither by guilt nor direct avoidance

not completely sure what that looks like. I think Endeavor in S06E18 of My Hero Academia does a very good example.

I think that just this change in frame, from guilt to responsibility and accountability, should be useful in doing things differently. Kind of like in theatre, where the same script can have big differences from small changes on how its read.

but if I had to write some steps, let me try to write them:

1. talk about what you are feeling, about your POV in the situation
2. talk about what you understand re: the POV of the other person, trying to empathise as much as possible
3. say you’re sorry
4. in general, if something feels scary, go in that direction. chances are it is an ugh-field and you’re avoiding it because of fear of conflict (empathy can definitely be an ugh-field)

common mistakes

• Using (1) as a way to justify yourself and give excuses
  • if you’re talking about your POV maybe it’s normal if you come through “justified”. After all, you very likely are justified in some sense and what we’re after is the synthesis where both you and the other person are justified.
  • However, we’re talking apologies here, and here your priority isn’t justifying yourself, but understanding the other person.
  • The point of (1) is to give the context of where you’re coming from.
• Just doing (2) and (3), or even just doing (3).
  • If you don’t give context to your apology, for both your POV and the others POV, it will probably feel like you’re trying to jump to the conclusion, to the catharsis, and it won’t feel earned.
• Doing only (1) and (3)
  • This sounds like so obviously a bad idea that no one would do it, but we’ve all done it at some other point or another. How is the other person going to lower their guard and forgive you if they don’t feel like you’re even trying to understand them?
• Using responsibility as an excuse to not fully empathise in (2)
  • Empathising can lead to feeling guilt, so you may cut yourself from it if you’re trying to avoid guilt in favour of being responsible.
  • If you notice this happening, speak it out loud (like in (1)).
  • On a more general note, if you notice guilt, trying to stop yourself from feeling it won’t work and will only make you less able to feel things in general. The conclusion of this isn’t to stop yourself from feeling guilty and just being responsible, it’s just that guilt is not useful for our goals so it shouldn’t be our solution. Recognising and expressing your guilt is part of being responsible.